Satire: New rule changes in ODIs and T20s – 15 straws for bowlers to clutch at!

Author : Abhijit Dey
Vinay Kumar

Vinay Kumar

Following the recently concluded slog-fest of a series between India & Australia, apparently a disgruntled breed of cricketers (not batsmen or fielders) have written to the ICC hoping for some rule changes, to allow an even playing field when pitted against ever broadening bats in an ever shrinking universe (by that I mean the size of a cricket field).

Now, it is not known for certain as to who these people might be (my sources tell me they rhyme with “howlers”), or what traumatic childhoods have turned them into warped, miserable naysayers intent on ruining everybody’s fun. But there have been reports that their incessant grizzling has prompted the ICC to vote in favour of major alterations to the way the game is played.

Following consultation with players & officials alike, the new set of rules will be trialled in the next World Cup before the all important bilateral ODI series between India & the West Indies later in the same year. The following changes are to be implemented:

1)  Flat belters are to be deemed unfit for play. Instead, vicious, unplayable greentops/dustbowls, where the keeper collects the ball at backward point due to the amount of outswing/spin, will be the norm.

2)  Hopefully with the new ‘Can’t be hit for six off a full toss’ rule Vinay Kumar will evolve into a miserly death bowler by conceding less than 8 runs per over. While the ‘Can’t be hit for six off a full toss’ rule will come as a shot in the arm to India’s bowling, efforts have also been made to nullify their dominant batting line up. The ‘One Hand, One Bounce’ rule will apply, and should give fielders a greater chance when MS Dhoni is in full flow.

3)  The ‘Six and Out’ rule will also cut down on runs haemorrhaged during the death overs. Notorious death bowler Ishant Sharma is being lined up to fully exploit the Six and Out rule. Additionally, fielding teams will need to be on their toes to run-out batsmen who are forced to take risky singles due to the ‘Hit and Run’ rule.

4)  In the event of a batsman nicking one behind and not walking, the fielding side is entitled to demand an instant on-field lie-detector test to ensure that he is telling the truth. If it transpires that he has fibbed, he should be paraded around the boundary, booed & pelted with biscuits shaped like Stuart Broad’s face.

5)  Should a batsman be caught in the crowd, he shall be deemed as out. He will also be declared out should the ball knock a beer out of someone’s hand in the crowd. Play will then be required to be temporarily suspended in order for the batsman to buy the fan another drink.

6)  Invite Shiv Sena to dig up one side of the pitch just before the batting powerplay. For added effect, also allow Shahid Afridi one hearty chomp at the ball.

7)  On field MRI scans to reveal the umpire’s inner thoughts while refusing close LBWs. Also, involve the crowd in video replay decisions by allowing them to adjudicate by audience poll.

8)  Grant the fielding captain the option to play a ‘joker’ – which gives them the power to choose the next two batsmen to come in at the fall of the first wicket.

9)  Introduce a powerplay in which the commentary –  done by a team comprising of Sidhu, Ravi Shastri & Danny Morrison – is made audible to the entire ground while a man dressed in a Sreesanth costume dances in front of the sight screen.

10)  Introduce another powerplay in which two bowlers are to run up from either side of the wicket with the underlying promise that only one will deliver the ball (promises are meant to be broken), all this while two cardboard cut-outs of Sreesanth are strategically placed, one at silly point & the other at short leg.

11)  To give an added perspective to the phrase ‘Hands like Buckets’, slip fielders will be allowed to carry one bucket each to the field of play, which they can use to snaffle up catches that come their way, without needing to pull off any Mark Waughesque stunts.

12)  All scores in excess of 350 will be counted in base 12 instead of decimal. So, a target of 352 immediately becomes a much more gettable 254.

13)  Play will no longer be suspended in case of rain or streaking. In the case of rain, the bowler has to designate exactly what shot the batsman has to play in the first three balls of the over; in the case of streaking, the bowler has to designate exactly what shot the batsman has to play in the last three balls of the over. Any attempt to play what a majority of commentators judge to be a “hoick across the line” will result in the batsman being summarily executed & two runs deducted from the score.

14)  Batsmen will be required to change into their slippers during the death overs in order to encourage bowlers to deliver yorkers.

15)  Finally, the most radical of all changes is the decision to replace drinks with actual ‘drinks’. It will be required of all batsmen to finish his innings with a breathalyser score of 90 mg of alcohol per 100 ml of blood. Should a batman register a lower reading, he will be docked 50% of his match fee & suspended for the next two matches. Additionally, DRS referrals to account for Hawk-Eye predictions of where the ball would have gone if the bowler had also been drunk.

Is there a cricket fan alive who would not like to see these developments in the game? It is baffling that the authorities have not implemented this yet. TRPs would shoot through all available roofs. Six and Out.

Matches

MORE TOP STORIES TODAY

Time for Chennai to enter familiar cocoon

Time for Chennai to enter familiar cocoon

Chennai have an emphatic 8-3 lead in the head-to-head with Punjab, with one game tied More »

Evenly matched Rajasthan and Hyderabad face-off

Evenly matched Rajasthan and Hyderabad face-off

A quality that defines Rajasthan and Hyderabad is consistency. Rajasthan was one among two teams to enjoy complete dominance at home last season. Hyderabad… More »

Beleaguered Yuvraj tees off to Sharjah's delight

Beleaguered Yuvraj tees off to Sharjah's delight

Yuvraj Singh was hardly convincing to begin with against Delhi, but a big dose of crowd support and a helping of poor bowling meant he had the opportunity… More »

Fiery star Stokes bids to curb his temper

Fiery star Stokes bids to curb his temper

England all-rounder Ben Stokes admits he must keep his anger under control if he is to end his international exile. More »

Troubled Trott to take another break

Troubled Trott to take another break

Jonathan pulled out of England's tour to Australia Brisbane with a 'stress-related illness'. More »

Bangalore's arsenal blazes to victory

Bangalore's arsenal blazes to victory

Yuvraj Singh was back to his best in his first match for Royal Challengers Bangalore. More »

BCCI to meet before next court hearing

BCCI to meet before next court hearing

The BCCI will hold an emergent working committee meeting on April 20 to discuss the future course of action with regard to the Supreme Court hearing concerning… More »

Gavaskar wants a clean IPL

Gavaskar wants a clean IPL

"Integrity is non-negotiable..." says the BCCI's interim chief ahead of Season 7 of the tainted league. More »

Kallis, Narine star in KKR win

Kallis, Narine star in KKR win

An all-round display saw Knight Riders thump Mumbai Indians by 41 runs in the IPL-7 opener. More »

Srinivasan named in fixing report: SC

Srinivasan named in fixing report: SC

The court emphasised that the tainted administrator can no longer work for the BCCI. More »

Yuvraj happy to play for RCB: Kohli

Yuvraj happy to play for RCB: Kohli

New-look RCB will play their first game of IPL-7 on Thursday. More »

'Yak' Kallis still on top of his game

'Yak' Kallis still on top of his game

The 38-year-old South African veteran turned it on for Kolkata Knight RIders in the opening match of IPL-7. More »

IPL: News Line

IPL: News Line

A round-up of all the news from this season of the IPL. More »

Shane Watson issues moral warning

Shane Watson issues moral warning

'Everyone knows what is right and what is wrong and if you do the wrong thing it will be found out' More »

Why I'm not looking forward to the IPL

Why I'm not looking forward to the IPL

Welcome to another season of a league that many watch but few trust. More »

Johnson may quit T20s for Tests

Johnson may quit T20s for Tests

Australia's Mitchell Johnson may quit limited-overs cricket to prolong his test career with an eye on the 2015 Ashes series in England, the fast bowler… More »

Nepal players call off boycott

Nepal players call off boycott

Thaw in relations after formation of an advisory committee that would work in tandem with the Cricket Association of Nepal. More »

There's a lot going on: Fleming

There's a lot going on: Fleming

He experienced anxious moments in the lead-up to the tournament as the courts decided on whether to suspend the franchise, he said, but stressed that the… More »

Latif couldn’t work with tainted players

Latif couldn’t work with tainted players

Former Pakistan cricket captain Rashid Latif said Tuesday he turned down the job of national chief selector because he could not work with ex-players tainted… More »

We are not over-confident: Bailey

We are not over-confident: Bailey

Indian Premier League — George Bailey-led Kings XI Punjab will face Chennai Super Kings on Friday. More »

Big runs expected, with bat and ball

Big runs expected, with bat and ball

Royal Challengers Bangalore: Their main concern, once again, is the fast bowling More »

Taxing issue — BCCI hits roadblock

Taxing issue — BCCI hits roadblock

MoU between BCCI & its units to avoid double taxation delayed after a few decline to share details. More »

Black Caps pick rookie duo for West Indies

Black Caps pick rookie duo for West Indies

New Zealand selectors included two new caps in a 15-man Test squad named Tuesday to tour the West Indies, with injury-hit spinner Dan Vettori's future… More »

The stage is set for IPL-7 to start

The stage is set for IPL-7 to start

The Preview — Defending champions Mumbai Indians take on Kolkata Knight Riders More »