Satire: We are number one in the world, says Alastair Cook

Author : Lynn Butler
Australia v England: Game 4

Alastair Cook

England might have been through their worst tour, however they seem quite content about the outcome. Alastair Cook and his men have won 1 out of 13 on their tour Down under.

Cook praised his team on their performance, “We were consistent throughout the entire tour. The 4th ODI came as a shocker, but I think the boys pulled it through at the end. I think we’ve proved a lot about ourselves on this tour.”

England won the 4th ODI by 57 runs. The win shocked commentators, players, critics and supporters alike. Supporters from the Barmy Army reportedly booed Cook for winning and started chanting ‘You Su**’ and throwing beer bottles at the English team.

Stuart Broad slipped on his new Prada heels and warned the Barmy Army if they ever do it again that England will win – no beer bottles were hurled again. George Bailey, who was interim skipper for Clarke, commented on his side losing, “Got to hand it to England, they know how to use their imports.”

“I think that Ben [Stokes] played as good as any foreigner has played for us. Though I mean, he’s no Kevin Pietersen, but he is doing New Zealand proud… and us too. I mean, both teams have showed equal strength in every facet of the game.” said Cook.

In other news, secret documents have been leaked by former English player Graeme Swann, in which he reveals that England only won because Micky Arthur came to their dressing room after the third ODI and handed each ‘English’ player with a written paper of what the Australians wanted to improve on in the upcoming season. Let’s just say the English team have now crowned Arthur King for leading them into victory.

This news has also brought about speculation about England’s new coaching vacancy as Arthur might be a top contender for the prestigious role. Andy Flower’s tenure as England’s coach ended, after he resigned at the end of their principled tour to Australia. When asked whether he is expecting the role, Arthur tweeted, “Flower has probably left me with a team that looks ready to put pen to paper. I’m ready to mark. #KingArthursWay”

Cook also shared a personal moment that he had with Indian captain, MS Dhoni: “MS called me just after their 4-0 loss and congratulated me on how much character I showed. We shared a moment where we reflected about how satisfying it was to put a smile on our opposition’s faces. I mean, it doesn’t happen often. Clapping is too old-fashioned and over-rated. Booing is the new thing.”

“It’s been a long time coming and I mean we came up after a 9 match losing streak. 91 days without winning, I mean not even Zimbabwe can do that. I think we are number one in the world for firstly winning a match in Australia and winning a match with Mitchell Johnson in the squad.” said (why is he still captain) Cook.

Ian Bell shared the same sentiments as his skipper saying: “I think we were consistent throughout the tournament, which came as a surprise to everyone. I would also like to thank the ICC for making England part of the big three. Besides Australia, England and India are making the entire cricketing world look at where the ECB and BCCI are using their money. The players are doing a fantastic job on the field and deserve to play more cricket than the other teams in the world. Consistency and surprises is important in making money.”

Australia is currently prepping for their tour to South Africa, as they would like to prove critics and fans right and play against arguably the best team in world cricket right now. Michael Clarke spoke about how the English tour was a revelation to the side. He went on to say that England have prepared them for their tour against South Africa as all facets of the game were strong and a loss will make them not get too ahead of themselves. Mitchell Johnson’s lip moustache will now receive its baggy green, since it was recently cut off but according to Johnson it is ‘growing as an individual’.

England’s next heist is travelling to the Caribbean and a less gruelling series than the previous one. This may be West Indians only chance to get a victory in Test cricket other than beating Bangladesh and with Kevin Pietersen gone the Windies will be partying all night.

Cook has also spoken to the West Indian Cricket Board and has organised that all bars remain open near to the cricket grounds. According to Cook, he said that the boys needed to either celebrate or drown their sorrows and said any outcome will be a helluva party.

England have also said if they lose against the West Indians, they will have two valid excuses, Pietersen’s absence and they lost because they veto against the ‘Big Three’ decision.

A banner in Australia which read – “If you’re a bad Cook and a dud Root, then your Broad will cheat.” However, one of these three had to be removed but instead their Prior focus was on Pietersen.

Also just in, former England captain, Andrew Strauss stated that the English will not only be going to West Indies for a losing streak but will also be in search for their new export, “We never had a West Indian.” They play three one-day internationals and three Twenty20s.

Matches

MORE TOP STORIES TODAY

Bangalore lose nerve, lose game

Bangalore lose nerve, lose game

IPL 7, GAME 11—Vinay's over, Lynn's catch turns last-over finish in KKR's favour. More »

Boycotting IPL will not save cricket

Boycotting IPL will not save cricket

Boycotting the IPL as a means of protest against the grime in the game may not yield the desired results. More »

Jadeja spins out Rajasthan in close chase

Jadeja spins out Rajasthan in close chase

IPL 7, GAME 10—Chennai beat Rajasthan by 7 runs after last-over scare. More »

Gambhir a knock away from striking form - KKR coach

Gambhir a knock away from striking form - KKR coach

Gautam made an eight-ball duck in the opening game against Mumbai and in the second game against Delhi, he lasted only half those balls. More »

Rivals say Srini group delaying BCCI special general meeting

Rivals say Srini group delaying BCCI special general meeting

The group opposed to Srinivasan alleged that since BCCI secretary Sanjay Patel belongs to the president’s group, he was intentionally delaying the SGM… More »

April 24: A legend is born

As Sachin Tendulkar turns 41 - here's a look at some offbeat moments from the Master Blaster's innings. More »

Cleaning up the game starts with fans

Cleaning up the game starts with fans

... because, as recent events reveal, the BCCI has little intention of doing it. More »

SL in 'difficult place' after Farbrace exit

SL in 'difficult place' after Farbrace exit

Sri Lanka depart for assignments in Ireland and England in two weeks, and Sanath Jayasuriya suggested Marvan Atapattu would be interim head coach for those… More »

Chandimal axed as T20 captain

Chandimal axed as T20 captain

Sri Lanka's cricket selectors on Wednesday sacked Dinesh Chandimal as Twenty20 captain and replaced him with Lasith Malinga, while Angelo Mathews was… More »

Vithanage, Priyanjan get T20 call-ups

Vithanage, Priyanjan get T20 call-ups

Herath has been rested, while the team will be without the veteran pair of Mahela Jayawardene and Kumar Sangakkara, who retired from T20 internationals… More »

'BCCI should have picked panel with care'

'BCCI should have picked panel with care'

Dalmiya said that it was the first time that the BCCI had been faced with a situation where the apex court had hauled up the Board and it should have acted… More »

Farbrace is England's assistant coach

Farbrace is England's assistant coach

The ECB continued the restructuring of the England coaching set-up on Wednesday by announcing the appointment of Paul Farbrace as assistant coach. More »

SC asks Mudgal committee to continue

SC asks Mudgal committee to continue

Mukul Mudgal has communicated to the court his willingness to take up the investigation and has been asked to specify the terms and modalities on April… More »

Sri Lanka players resolve pay dispute

Sri Lanka players resolve pay dispute

The pay dispute between Sri Lanka Cricket and its 13 contracted players ended on Wednesday when the latter agreed to accept 10 percent of the participation… More »

Hope to be fit for next game - Pietersen

Hope to be fit for next game - Pietersen

With two heavy defeats at the hands of Bangalore and Chennai, Daredevils currently languish near the bottom of the table. More »

'SC decision could hurt BCCI's status'

'SC decision could hurt BCCI's status'

The Supreme Court prefers that the Justice Mudgal panel further investigate the IPL corruption scandal. More »

Mudgal panel drops bombshell in court

Mudgal panel drops bombshell in court

The Mukul Mudgal probe committee dropped a bombshell in the Supreme Court on Tuesday by making a sensational claim that it was forced to stop audio recording… More »

Perfect Punjab trounce Hyderabad

Perfect Punjab trounce Hyderabad

IPL7, GAME 9—Maxwell (95, 43b), Balaji (4-13) set up 72-run win. More »

Have the ECB played an unfair game?

Have the ECB played an unfair game?

Money talks, but it is in light of this ICC shakeup that the ECB's act of soliciting of another team's coach deteriorates from free-market aggression to… More »

Farbrace quits for England post

Farbrace quits for England post

He will assist Peter Moores who was unveiled as the new England coach on Saturday. More »

Moin appointed to manage Pakistan team

Moin appointed to manage Pakistan team

Pakistan on Monday reappointed Moin Khan as chief selector and manager of the national team, a week after fellow former captain Rashid Latif turned down… More »

Chennai smash Delhi for first win

Chennai smash Delhi for first win

IPL7, MATCH 8—Raina-led middle order, superlative catching give CSK a 93-run win. More »

'BCCI reputation lowest in 80 years'

'BCCI reputation lowest in 80 years'

The former BCCI president says he was "disillusioned" by the happenings at the emergent working committee meeting on Sunday. More »

Injured Bravo to miss rest of IPL

Injured Bravo to miss rest of IPL

Dwayne Bravo is set to be sidelined for at least four weeks due to a shoulder problem. Bravo sustained the injury when attempting a catch on the boundary… More »