Daniel Norcross

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Ten Things The Connoisseur Can Learn From The WC So Far

Now look here. It's high time everyone just stopped moaning
about what a ridiculously bloated tournament this is. Enough of the barbed
comments concerning the idiotic fixture schedule that sees game after game of
stultifying tedium played out before we get to a decent clash of heavyweights.

 

It's not as if anyone's got anything much better to be
doing, and Wednesday's thrilling 200+ run win by Pakistan against the dismal
Kenyans was still more fun than sticking rusty nails in your eyes or watching
behind the scenes footage of Kate Middleton's hosier preparing her expertly
crafted wedding seams for that oh so special day in April.

 

So don't come crying to me after this world has been ravaged
by plague, war and apocalyptic doom, dragging a bundle of torn rags and
foraging for nuts in an irradiated forest complaining that if you'd only paid
more attention to Sri Lanka's heart stopping 200+ run win against Canada at
least you’d have memories of happier times to comfort you in the long days of
doom ahead.

 

This is the World Cup for heaven's sake, and if you can't
get excited about New Zealand's coruscating ten wicket demolition of the possibly
even more hapless Kenyans than today’s Kenyans then you've no right to call
yourself a cricket fan.

 

So assuming that on that basis you don't call yourself a
cricket fan and may possibly have missed some of the fantabulous action here
are some things we've learnt from the first five pulsating days of the biggest
carnival of cricket in our life times.

 

  • Kenya
    are truly dreadful
  • Canada
    are not quite as dreadful but still pretty woeful
  • Zimbabwe
    aren’t dreadful at all but can’t bat for toffee
  • Bangladesh
    are playing the long game. Their determination to accrue every last run
    means they’re eying net run rate as their route to the quarter finals. I
    hope they succeed. That kind of smart cricket deserves reward
  • Sehwag
    is without doubt the most charmingly lazy man ever to have stepped on to a
    cricket field. He makes Inzamam ul Haq look like an over eager triathlete.
    Say what you like about Inzi but at least he’d turn up to field in the
    actual matches every now and then. But all that just makes me love Sehwag even
    more.
  • It's
    way past England's bedtime. They got all excited during that Ashes thingy
    but now they're overtired. They can't even be bothered to show off. Feed
    them, wind them, and let them go home. Now? Why not? It’ll save us all
    from the mega tantrum when they get walloped by Ireland.
  • No
    one, still, has worked out when to take the batting power play. If I'm
    allowed to continue this column you will probably encounter my hyperbolic
    vexation over this issue at least 20 times before the tournament is finished.
    It isn't difficult. Do you have two set top order batsmen in? Yes. Really?
    Take the power play. Now? Yes, right now.
  • I'm
    not sure if I believe in dew anymore. Apparently the dew point in Nagpur
    was supposed to be 15 degrees Centigrade. I think that guy in the tractor
    with the rope is a fake meteorologist hoodwinking the authorities and
    moonlighting as a driving instructor to make extra rupees between innings.
  • The
    Netherlands' opening bowler Bukhari looks a lot like Robert Key. Well, he
    looks like Robert Key looks when Key gets out. That sort of sad moon faced
    gaze into nothingness that smacks of bewilderment and crushing
    disappointment. Check it out. It will startle you.
  • If
    you combined Zimbabwe's bowling attack with Bangladesh's batsmen you'd
    have a more than handy team. Unfortunately neither side has a seamer who
    could hold a candle to Afghanistan's Hamid Hassan. Perhaps next time they
    could have a combined associate XI. In fact, now I think of it, that is
    the solution to the entire conundrum of what to do with the second tier
    nations, and really I should stop this blog and start all over again with
    that as my over arching theme but I've got to commentate on SA v. WI
    tomorrow so must get to bed.

 

So if you have, for some unfathomable reason,
not been paying close attention to the cricket so far, don’t worry. There's
another month before the quarter finals for you to catch up. And I predict
Australia vs Canada will be an absolute thriller.

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